Serva me Servabo Te

I mean what’s the point of living when you’re not able to help your family, friends and even your love one. They’re in state of difficulty and you just stare there and let it happen.

I’m not being good enough.. like for everyone. No matter how much they say, my only answer will always be silent or agreeing to their decision. I never give opinions nor advice.

No matter how much Im suffering, I’m still making all my decisions to suits other’s. Sacrificing, though its unnecessary, I still do it so that I wouldn’t get left out or being isolated. Though they’re mad and simply put the blame on you, you still consider its your fault of making them to be frustrated.

I don’t want just because of my problem, and made the others to suffer too. I want people around me to be happy, sacrifice, I’m willing.. even if they’ll forget my existence.. I’m willing..

Life have its up and down part. And this moment, yea down part hits me again. I wish to be ignored, to be dumped, to be hated, called trash or trouble to someone, inhumane, you name it ! To live, isn’t easy.

Yes most people might feel lucky to live in this beautiful world but Im not one of them. I rather feel tortured, humiliated.

I’m not like my mates who spend their minutes and seconds with smiles and blessed. I’m not a girl who people think I am. They don’t understand how difficult for me to pass through every minutes, seconds. With sadness, with sorrow. Just horrible.

I wonder what people thinks about me ? Probably just a troublesome girl who grown up in seria, lives in chai’s resident, studies in smsa, happily spending her life. Wonderful ! Bravo.

Why don’t people shut their own fuhken mouth and live their own, not interrupting other’s life? Why don’t people stop bothering ? Who do they spread rumors ? Maybe that’s just how they live. The way of living, making themselves cozy with their life.

I choose to live on my own way. Ignoring, careless, uninterested in anyone, less talk, more thoughts, more expectation & big disappointment. Hoping that makes me feel better…

Leave me alone.

And the sky became dark again.

You guys just can put every blame on me. Just fuckin on me please and please shoot me from the front and not behind of me. I’m a human too. I have feelings, I do feel guilty, useless, stupid. What made me into this state of life? Who’s the one to blame? Who should feel that they’re wrong. 

Anyway.. let this game play. It’ll end soon anyways. In a gentle and painful way. Soon.. 

Whether its envy or jealousy, you still lose it and yes, i’m a loser. I don’t get what i want or what i wish and yet, im cursing people for losing the things that they have and i don’t. Issit a human nature or issit just a personality? I kind of have this tremendous urge live inside me, refused to get off. I don’t really talk. Perhaps, you can say i’m a social outcast. Reason behind it? Im ashamed of myself having those devilish thoughts and i’m afraid people to know it cause i could’nt handle the fear. 

I hate myself, really. what’s the point of living? I don’t find any enjoyable things in my life. Maybe i couldn’t break off everything that i carried on my shoulder. How i wish i could find a dim place, hide myself, cry all day long and noone would find me, like forever. I rather be an unknown instead of carrying my own name or anyone’s. 

I know this is a wrong turn. I tried to deactivate social networks, and i’m left with this blog. In this way, it would make me feel better, avoiding all sort of bad compliments and rumors. Yet on the other hand, i stabbed someone with a sharp hot knife. I know this is bad, and i feel a tremendous guilt in my heart.

Kill me twice, kill me gently.. This time, i’m wrong.. really wrong and i’m very sorry for leaving you. Sorry for being such a girl who come and go.

I’m sorry. Forgiveness, you can give,but i won’t accept it. 

Enjoyed Saturday night @ Balcony.

Difficulty falling into the groovin’ music and the seductive dance floor. Wasn’t really payin’ attention to the environment. Instead, i was looking up and down, left and right trying to make sure any of my fuhken annoying relatives were here.

I’m still having and will be continuously being misunderstood and blamed by my family. I’m just too clever to be an idiot here. I’m clever.. very.. clever. One day, just one day, you will see me fading away..slowly without a sound. Until you realize its too late to regret.

My life is upside down currently. I feel so insecure staying in this house. I endure all these pain, trying not to fight back, not to explain, not to say anything that made them think that i’ve changed, not to show my anger, not to tell them my problems and definitely not to beg for sympathy. Now, i left speechless. Staying in my own small cozy zone everyday once i back from school, to avoid complains again. Cause i know, i would never win them with whatever reasons i say. So I try not to talk, stay stupid and idealess. P/s : dear family, i put my trust on you, but now, you made me feel that you’re untrustable. So never put your trust on me too cause i’ll constantly tell lies. I’m screwed!